May is the month of Mental Health Awareness and I wanted to #breakthestigma and discuss mine.

If you are looking at the title funny no you are not reading it wrong. Music hasn’t necessarily affected my mental health. However, my mental health has made a bigger impact on my music then I realized. I always knew that all my songs have a story that come from something I have felt or experienced in life. I didn’t realize how deep my mind chose to delve into it once I pushed that pencil onto the paper.

Here is how I discovered that:

I have my ups and downs (I now realize that my depression amplifies it) and there was a day where I was feeling my lowest mentally. I visited my best friend to ring the new year with her and I simply was NOT present. Logically I knew I should’ve been happy but my brain refused to let me enjoy myself and it turned into this never ending circle of reminding myself that I am okay but my brain telling me otherwise and I’d become upset again.
Unfortunately this hasn’t been the first time I have been in this state and even when I tried to do things that usually make me happy I managed to fuck that up too and I couldn’t help but feel dissapointed and frustrated with myself.

I told myself to take that energy into my music and write some new songs. As I was sifting through my song book I noticed something….SO many of the songs I have written in the past, dating back to end of high school, described exactly how I have been feeling recently.

I’ve been projecting my most vulnerable thoughts onto my music for years without even realizing it.

Lyrics like “I’m lost without me" and “reflection of my eyes showing things I refuse to see" “can’t find a way to go" “will I ever see the light" made so much more sense.

Now I know you might say  ‘Shruti, you just said that you write about your thoughts and experiences’.

Thing is, I was always in denial about the state of my mental health. I refused to believe I was depressed or anxious and those times where I had trouble breathing and started crying, hyperventilating were nothing serious and definitely not anxiety attacks.It hit me like a ton of bricks when I looked at my songs and my words were being thrown back at me. I’ve been trying to give myself messages to seek help and try to heal this whole time.

My mental health has really shaped the mood of my song and the feeling I am trying to provoke not just in myself but to others. My music has helped me realize who I really am and who I can be for the better.

What I’m trying to get at is, listen to your gut. You should have your best interest in mind which includes healing your mind to be the best version of you. Don’t be afraid to admit you might need help and guidance and (something I need to remind myself of) YOU ARE NOT ALONE.